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Letting go of a biological child for adoption is often a difficult, heartbreaking decision. However, birth parents can often find solace in the fact that they have weighed all of their options and made the best choice for everyone involved. But what if you never got to be a part of this decision process in the first place? What if you are a man who until recently was never aware that they had conceived a biological child? This article will tell you all a father needs to know about finding an adopted child they have just learned of.
Can you have an adopted child you’ve never known about?
There can be many reasons why a man might not even find out they had a child that was placed for adoption. Maybe the mother was unable to get in touch with them. Maybe the child was conceived out of a relationship that ended poorly. Maybe she feared they would fight her decision to part with the child. Or perhaps she just assumed the father wouldn’t want any children.
For whatever reason, finding out you’re a father years into your son or daughter’s life can turn your entire world upside down. It is normal to feel a wide range of emotions - from anger, fear, disbelief and a deep sense of loss, to joy and anticipation at the thought of becoming reunited with your biological child.
Roadblocks fathers may face when trying to find their adopted child
In the ideal scenario, you would have been involved in your birth child’s life from the very beginning, giving you a chance to be there for them and watch them grow and blossom. However, life is often far from ideal and it’s up to us to make the best out of sometimes heartbreaking situations. You may not want to spend another day without meeting your son or daughter and letting them know you’ve never opted out of being their father. However, these common roadblocks to adoption reunion can make it hard to know where to start searching for your child given up for adoption:
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You may not have been declared as your child’s father, preventing you from formally requesting access to their adoption records, even in the case of an open adoption.
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The child may have been in a closed adoption, where not even the mother has information regarding the adopted family or their whereabouts.
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You may have some information about your son or daughter, but be unable to locate them (especially if they are already adults).
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You may have been told or have reason to suspect you have a child out there, but are unsure whether this is true.
A few decades back, any of the roadblocks above might have spelled the end of your adoption reunion journey before it even began. Or, in the best-case scenario, it would have taken significant time, effort and financial resources to hire an adoption detective to help track them down. Fortunately, nowadays we have inexpensive, easy-to-use technology that can reconnect you with your biological child in mere minutes, even if you know next to nothing about them.
7 key steps for finding your adopted child using Adopted.com
Adopted.com is the world’s largest online adoption reunion registry. Our platform is specifically designed with situations like yours in mind - to help our members find their biological family even when they have precious little information to go on. Our over 1 million member database and multiple ways to search through it significantly increase your chances of finding your adopted son or daughter. Additionally, our proprietary algorithm ensures that if the party you are seeking is also looking for you, you can be easily matched and reunited at the click of a few buttons. Here are the steps you need to take to start this life-changing journey:
1. Take a moment to connect with your needs and emotions
When feeling like you’ve been missing out on a significant part of your child’s life, you may experience a sense of urgency to find them, explain your situation and start making up for lost time. However, keep in mind that the journey to adoption reconnection starts with self-connection. Even if the path ahead seems clear, take the necessary time to process the news you have just received.
Feeling blind-sided by something so important can open old wounds and make you rush into action before you are fully emotionally ready. It is best to talk this major event through with your loved ones, your therapist or spiritual advisor. Then take some time alone to truly experience your feelings and prepare to reunite with your birth child.
2. Learn everything you can about your adopted child
If you are in contact with the child’s mother, ask her to share with you all the details she can remember about the child and the adoption, such as:
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The child’s date and place of birth
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The hospital where the child was born
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The child’s birth name, gender and also the age at adoption
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Whether you have been declared as the child’s father (while some states do not allow adoption without the declared father’s consent, others do in certain situations, for example, if the father cannot be located)
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The year and state where the adoption happened
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Any distinctive signs the child may have (e.g. a birthmark or a scar)
However, even if you are not in contact with the mother or cannot obtain any of this information from her, try searching for other people you could ask. You can try reaching out to former mutual friends or old neighbours who may be aware of the situation and could provide at least some partial information (e.g. a year of birth, a year of adoption, etc.). If you are unable to find any information at all, don’t despair. One of the main benefits of online adoption reunion registries such as Adopted.com is that they are built to work even with next to no information.
3. Create a free profile on Adopted.com
This first step of the journey of a lifetime is a surprisingly simple one. All you need to do is visit the Adopted.com platform and register for your free profile. You will be asked to fill in a form comprised of 10 questions specifically designed to make the most out of any information you may have regarding your adopted child. Some of these questions will be about yourself, others about your child and their adoption. Don’t worry if you cannot answer some of them, you can always leave them blank.
Our proprietary algorithm will take the data you have provided and match it against all of our member profiles. Should you get a match, you will be alerted instantly. And the great thing about platforms such as ours which only use voluntary adoption records is that if your child is among our members, it means they are also searching for you.
4. Try using the Namesearch function
If profile matching yielded no results, there is still hope. The Namesearch function allows you to search by any key piece of information you may possess (e.g. a birth name, a birth year, a place of adoption, etc.). Your results are not restricted to our user profiles, you can also search our partner platforms’ databases (e.g. historical records). Even if this search method doesn’t lead directly to the one you seek, it can help you uncover more about them (and thus increase your chances of finding a match).
5. Let your DNA do the work for you
Sometimes, the fact you have a child somewhere out there may be the only information you’ve got. This can be truly disheartening and cause you to start your search with a heavy heart. However, the powerful biological bond between father and child can never be severed. You will always share something to find each other by, no matter how far apart life took you: your very DNA, which can really help your adoption reunion search.
If you opt for this route you can simply take a DNA test using a trustworthy company (e.g. MyHeritage, Ancestry, or Family Tree DNA) and then upload the data file you receive to our platform. Then, use the DNA comparison search method and let the magic happen. If any of your biological relatives have also uploaded their DNA test results to our platform (or will do so in the future), you will be matched with them. One of the main reasons why it is recommended to use Adopted.com rather than genealogy sites to try to find a DNA match is that we compare user DNA data from several genealogy sites (our members have taken their test on various platforms).
6. Give your search some time to work
If you have tried all of the above and still have no results, it doesn’t mean your search has ended in failure. It just means that you may need to have a bit of faith and patience and use this time to prepare for being contacted by your birth child. It can be very difficult and frustrating to be unable to find your son or daughter, especially since you may feel like you’ve already missed out on too much and you may worry they’re somewhere out there, thinking you didn’t want them. However there is hope for this reunion yet.
Thousands of people join our adoption reunion registry each month. Also more of our existing members upload their DNA test results, as they decide to get their genetic profile done. The moment your biological child crosses our virtual threshold, our algorithm will match them to you. So you can keep hope alive that you will wake up one morning to a private message from us - or even one from them - saying you have finally found them.
7. Find support while waiting for your reunion
It often takes a village to find a child. Being part of a like-minded community can be crucial to your psychological well-being. While there are many support groups for mothers separated from their children to adoption, these resources are scarcer when it comes to fathers. Men also need a strong support system when grieving the separation from their child. Or when coming to terms that they inadvertently missed out on an important part of their son’s or daughter’s life. Fortunately, there is a place where you can find comfort, togetherness, and insight into navigating this difficult period of your life.
The Adopted.com Community is always there for you, and our members all over the world offer more than just a sympathetic ear - they offer the deep understanding that can only come from shared experience. Many fathers here are on the same journey as you and have faced similar challenges. Log in any time, day or night, to compare notes and search strategies, share small victories and help each other stay hopeful through setbacks and difficult times.
Throughout the 20 years spanned by our Adopted.com story, we have seen countless amazing - sometimes astounding - adoption reunions. We hope that the next story you will be yours, and that your adopted child will soon have the chance to meet their biological father for the first time. This could be a healing encounter, that reshapes their adoption narrative and leads to a new, life-long connection. Wherever your adoption reunion journey may lead you, we hope it is a gentle and insightful experience that leads to profound growth. And that until the fateful moment of reunion, you find solace in knowing you are doing everything you can to find your adopted child.
