Meeting a biological parent for the first time can make you feel excited, terrified, and vulnerable, all at the same time. If you’re a parent reuniting with your biological child, you may also have conflicting emotions, such as regret for lost time and hope for the future.

Whatever you’re feeling, there are ways you can prepare emotionally to meet your birth family. With planning and reflection, you can approach the adoption reunion with an open heart.

Meeting a Biological Parent for the First Time

As an adoptee, it’s natural to have questions about the people who brought you into this world. You might wonder about the circumstances of your adoption or how it affected your birth parents. You may also want to know what their lives have been like since placing you for adoption.

You may have spent a lifetime imagining the first meeting with your biological relatives. Once you’ve gone through the journey of finding your birth parents, planning the reunion can feel overwhelming.

Your emotions are valid whether you’re nervous, scared, excited, angry, or hopeful. The best way to approach a reunion is to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally.

What Might You Expect When Reuniting with Your Birth Parents?

If you’re about to meet your birth parents, you’re probably experiencing a range of emotions. You may have many questions you’ve waited years to ask.

Remember that a reunion can be just as emotionally challenging for your biological family. Your birth parents might also have questions for you, such as:

  • What was your childhood like with your adoptive family?
  • Do you have a partner or children?
  • What are your passions and interests?
  • Do you feel anger or resentment toward them?
  • Do you want to build a long-term relationship with them?

When meeting a biological parent for the first time, it’s best to go slowly. Give each other time to adjust to the idea of reconnecting. This allows you to figure out how they feel about the encounter.

Here are some possible reactions your biological parents may have and suggested ways to respond thoughtfully.

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Joy and Gratitude

If your parents have been searching for you or hoping you’d find them, they’ll likely be happy to meet you. They’ll feel excited to have you back in their lives. This is the best-case scenario.

In this situation, your parents will probably be open to answering your questions. They’ll also want to learn about you. While you might be grateful for their interest and enthusiasm, you may start to feel overwhelmed.

Suggested approach: If you share the same enthusiasm, relax and enjoy the experience. Approach your birth parents with openness and curiosity. Reassure them that you hope your relationship will grow as you get to know each other.

However, if it feels like too much is happening too soon, it’s okay to let them know how you feel. Be honest and gently let them know you need space. Set boundaries that feel comfortable for you.

Fear, Shame, or Guilt

Your biological parents might be scared to meet you. They may worry you’re angry with them, or they may feel shame or guilt about placing you for adoption. Your birth parents may even have a fear of rejection.

Another common fear is the impact the reunion may have on their lives. It may create complications if other family members don’t know about you. For this reason, they might be reluctant to meet you or share personal details.

Suggested approach: Try to ease their fears by sharing your feelings and intentions for the reunion. If you feel emotionally balanced, communicate in an honest, open-minded way. This can help them feel more relaxed and comfortable.

However, if you feel resentment, consider postponing the reunion for now. Give yourself time to process your emotions. Seek the help of a therapist or spiritual advisor to reach an emotionally centered state. Then, you can approach the reunion openly, free of anger or judgment.

Reserved Optimism

You and your birth parents haven’t had the chance to learn about each other yet. They might be friendly and polite but not as warm or affectionate as you’d hoped. While they may have a reserved personality, it’s more likely they simply need time to get to know you.

Suggested approach: It’s natural to feel disappointed, but try to respect their need for emotional distance. Tell them about yourself and answer their questions. Encourage them to share details about themselves.

To put your mind at ease, start by asking them what they expect from the reunion. This can help you understand their perspective and manage expectations moving forward.

Outright Refusal

There’s a chance your birth parents may not want to reunite. Even if they found you, something might have changed. They may have lost their courage, feel unable to face the past, or worry about complications with their current lives. The intense emotions of a reunion may also feel overwhelming to them.

Suggested approach: If your birth parents have made it clear they don’t want to connect with you, remember that it isn’t your fault. Respect their decision and know it has nothing to do with you.

If you still want to meet them, ask them to reach out if they ever change their mind. In the meantime, get support from friends or professionals to find closure and move forward.

Tips for Meeting a Biological Parent for the First Time

Meeting a biological parent for the first time can be a life-changing experience. To make the reunion as meaningful as possible, follow these tips:

  • Review your motives and emotions. Be honest with yourself about your feelings and expectations for the reunion. Reflect on why you chose to search for your biological parents. Understanding your feelings can help you approach the meeting in a balanced state.
  • Prepare for all potential outcomes. An adoption reunion can bring joy, but it can also bring challenges. Prepare for a range of responses, from excitement to hesitation to fear. Keep an open mind so you can accept the reunion outcome, whatever it may be.
  • Share the situation with loved ones. Talk about the reunion with your adoptive family, partner, children, and other trusted family members. Express your feelings and allow them to do the same. Sharing this experience with your loved ones can give you support and make them feel included.
  • Give everyone time to adjust. Building a relationship takes time, especially after years apart. Be patient with your biological parents — and yourself — as you both work to process this significant milestone.

What to Expect When Meeting Your Biological Child for the First Time

If you’re a birth parent preparing to reunite with your adopted child, you might be feeling many emotions at once. You may be nervous, grateful, anxious, curious, guilty, loving, or hopeful. Just as you’ve imagined reconnecting with your son or meeting your daughter for the first time, your child has probably done the same.

They may have many questions for you, such as:

  • What were the circumstances surrounding their adoption?
  • Do they have biological siblings or other relatives?
  • Are other family members aware of their existence?
  • Have you thought of them during your time apart?
  • Did you ever regret not having them in your life?
  • Why did you decide to reconnect now?
  • What kind of relationship would you like to have with them?

Everyone processes reunions in different ways. Your biological child may look forward to welcoming you back into their lives. But they may also carry feelings of resentment, anger, or abandonment, especially if they experienced the adoption as a traumatic event. Most people fall somewhere in between, experiencing a range of feelings before a reunion.

Preparing for all potential responses can help you approach the meeting with compassion. Here are some reactions your biological child may have and how you can respond positively.

Excitement and Curiosity

In the best-case scenario, your biological child may have also been searching for you. They are likely looking forward to the reunion. They will be excited to ask you questions and tell you about themselves. In this situation, they will likely be eager to have you back in their lives.

Suggested approach: Take this opportunity to tell your birth child the things you’ve always wanted to say. Be honest, open, kind, and welcoming, but don’t overwhelm them with too many plans or strong emotions.

Understandably, you want to make up for the time you’ve spent apart. However, it’s important to go at your child’s pace and give them space so they feel comfortable.

Caution and Uncertainty

Your adopted child may be unsure what to expect from a reunion. They may experience anxiety and appear withdrawn, guarded, or mistrusting. They may avoid your questions, leading you to believe they haven’t decided whether the reunion was a good idea.

Suggested approach: While their apprehension may feel disheartening, remember that relationships take time. You’ll need to gain their trust by being open and answering their questions patiently and honestly. Allow them time to get to know you.

Even though you want to know all about them, don’t pressure them for answers. Reassure your child that you want them in your life. Ultimately, let them decide how to pursue the relationship.

Anger and Resentment

Adopted children can carry heavy feelings of pain, shame, and fear about their adoption. This can manifest as rage and negative judgment toward their biological parents. Your birth child may use the reunion to express their resentment toward you. While this can be hard to hear, it’s normal and doesn’t necessarily mean they’re rejecting you.

Suggested approach: Being met with blame and judgment may feel like your worst fears have come true. However, the fact that your biological child has agreed to meet with you is a good sign.

While their anger and hostility may feel painful, do your best to stay calm and listen with empathy. After expressing their anger and feeling heard, they’ll likely feel safer and more open to hearing your side.

Refusal to Reconnect

You may have already considered the possibility that your birth child won’t want to meet you. They may feel that they don’t need another parent, or they may judge you for choosing adoption.

Your biological child may also be working through their own emotional struggles. They may fear that meeting you would complicate their life even more. Sometimes, things simply don’t happen, and acceptance is the only option.

Suggested approach: A birth child’s refusal to reunite can be painful, but it also marks a new chapter. It took strength and courage to search for them and reach out, and the experience helped you grow. Know that you have done everything in your power to reconnect.

Take this opportunity to process and accept the outcome. If you’d like, leave the door open for a potential reunion. After all, nobody knows what the future may bring.

Tips for Meeting a Biological Child for the First Time

Meeting your biological child for the first time is a big step. Here are some tips to help you navigate the experience:

  • Prepare yourself emotionally. Understand that your child may have a range of emotions. They may feel excitement, anxiety, or even anger toward you. However they react, remember to remain calm and patient.
  • Set realistic expectations. Your first meeting may not lead to an immediate or deep connection. Remind yourself why you began the adoption reunion search. Go slowly and let the relationship evolve.
  • Respect their boundaries. Your child may need time to process their first meeting with you. Remember, they’re meeting a biological parent for the first time. Respect their space and don’t overwhelm them with conversations about the future.
  • Be honest and open. Answer their questions as honestly and openly as possible, while being mindful of their emotional state. With this approach, you can establish trust from the beginning.

Preparing to meet Your Biological Parent or Child

If you dream of a reunion, but still need to find your biological parent or child, join the community here at Adopted.com.

The journey to find your birth family can seem daunting, but we’re here to help. With over 1M members on Adopted.com, there’s a possibility your biological relatives are already looking for you. If they’re not on our platform now, you’ll be notified if they create a profile in the future.

Don’t lose hope — a reunion may be closer than you think. Start your search today and take the first step toward the reunion you’ve been waiting for.