Jun 01, 2025

957

Meeting your biological family for the first time can be a profoundly life-changing experience. It can open new doorways into your mind and soul in a case where things go wrong. Or it can be frustratingly underwhelming in a case where everything goes right. The scary part is that you never know how you are going to feel until you have lived through it. This is why having a flexible plan for navigating the emotional impact of your adoption reunion can help you remain centred and able to face everything that lies ahead.

In the past, we have offered you tips for preparing to reunite with your birth family. This article will take you one step further and help you manage some of the less anticipated, complex, often frightening and unfamiliar emotions that may come up once the dice have been cast and the first encounter with your birth relative has already taken place. It may also help you build a relationship after your adoption reunion.

Overwhelm

It is easy to understand why you could become overwhelmed if things don’t go as planned, the atmosphere is cold and tense, or conflict ensues. However, sometimes even a great thing can become too much when emotions run high. Feeling many distinct things at the same time can supercharge you, leading to a kind of affective fatigue that you may carry in your daily life and relationships for a while after your adoption reunion takes place.

What does being overwhelmed feel like?

For many people, overwhelm manifests with anxiety, irritability, and the feeling that you can’t meet anyone’s emotional demands - including your own - at the present time. You may feel the urge to run away and completely avoid thinking about the reunion or your birth family. In some cases, it can lead to tension with your loved ones, as you may feel unable to provide them with emotional support and closeness while in this state and thus pull away from them.

How to navigate feeling overwhelmed?

This experience can be very difficult, especially if you have an avoidant attachment style, which causes you to shut down when faced with intense emotions. While you may be very tempted to put everything stressful out of your mind, the best thing you can do may be to gradually process the event. Journaling can be a good way of releasing some of your overwhelm, as you have control regarding how far and deep you’re ready to go in reflecting about what has happened. You can start simply, with just the facts of your encounter, and progress to writing a little more each day, adding impressions and feelings as they come to mind.

Yearning

Meeting your biological relatives for the first time can sometimes give you a bitter-sweet sense of what could have been and an overpowering desire to make up for all the lost time. The encounter can be so promising that you may feel a deep need to rebuild bridges and create a close connection with the other parties as soon as humanly possible. This can leave you vulnerable, as any sign that they may not yet be in the same place emotionally can feel like a painful rejection. It can also sabotage your budding relationship by coming on too strong too early on.

What does yearning feel like?

Yearning can feel like a strong, almost physical need to be in contact with your new relative. You may ruminate about your encounter and spend too much time daydreaming about things you would like to do together. At the same time, you may feel deeply insecure regarding whether they feel the same about you and therefore seek reassurance, such as calling or texting too freuqently or pushing for a second meeting too soon. If their response doesn’t match your enthusiasm, you may feel hurt and compelled to do something to fix this.

How to navigate feelings of yearning?

When you are in a place of yearning, you can keep gently reminding yourself that the urge you are experiencing is not about the person you have just met. It may be more related to the fact that many of the fantasies you’ve had over the years that this relationship could finally have a chance of coming true are being realized, and it may feel as though you have already waited too long to make it happen. However, forcing things can lead to pain for both parties. Try to think of your birth relative not as an old connection being rekindled or a past wrong set right, but as a new friendship. Approach the other person from a place of curiosity and give your relationship time to bloom.

Dissociation

When facing a highly stressful or emotionally charged situation, some of us can dissociate from it entirely. This is a coping mechanism which tunes out the plethora of chaotic feelings washing over you at the same time. So try as you might to get back in touch with your emotions, you may end up feeling locked out. When in this state, it’s easy to feel like there’s something wrong with you for not feeling affected by the reunion in any meaningful way. You may even experience judgement from others for your perceived coldness, when you know the opposite to be true. Your mind may be trying to protect you from the intensity of your emotions.

What does dissociation feel like?

In most cases, dissociation feels like numbness. As though you are watching yourself in a dream and are disconnected from what you are feeling inside. You may have expected to be overwhelmed with emotion during your reunion, only to be shocked that you are feeling nothing at all. Or you may have experienced a rollercoaster of anger, fear, hope and excitement before and during the event, only to be left drained afterwards and unable to relive any of those feelings when thinking back to it. You may be confused regarding how you feel about your birth relative and whether you would like to pursue the relationship because you have no emotional cues to go on at this time.

How to navigate feeling dissociated

Dissociation is frequently connected with anxiety, so reducing your stress levels is a good first step. Try not to put pressure on yourself to feel what you think you should be feeling, but instead get plenty of rest, exercise or meditate in nature, engage in a hobby and spend some quality time with your loved ones. Give yourself grace and honour the validity of your emotions (or lack thereof). When you feel ready, talk about the reunion with a safe person you can trust to listen empathetically. A therapist or spiritual counsellor may be the best choice, as they are trained in recognizing and addressing coping mechanisms.

Responsibility

This emotion is difficult because it is deeply rooted in our social and cultural upbringing. Once you have reunited with your birth family, it is easy to start feeling responsible for their well-being. If you are a birth parent, you may be carrying a lot of guilt and feel as though you owe your biological child a massive debt created by your absence. If you are an adoptee, you may feel responsible for the care and well-being of your perhaps elderly or ill birth parents, even though you do not have an established relationship with them. These emotions are not inherently wrong and they can be a sign of kindness, empathy and accountability. However, they may become problematic when they force you to sign up for more than you feel ready and comfortable to offer on an emotional and sometimes a material level.

What does responsibility feel like?

Feeling responsible for others’ well-being can make you think you have no alternative but to offer whatever relationship, support or assistance you think you owe the other person. Otherwise, you could feel like a terrible son/daughter, sibling or parent and an all-around dreadful person. This response stems from social expectations you may feel that you would fail to meet if you considered your feelings and resources above the other person’s real or perceived needs. Giving in to the belief that you owe your birth relative more than you are ready and able to give wholeheartedly can make you feel overwhelmed and resentful. However, failing to do so can trigger deep-seated guilt and shame. This catch-22 can leave you feeling trapped between a rock and a hard place and confused about your role in the relationship.

How to navigate feeling responsible

The first thing you may wish to do when feeling pressured to give more than you’ve got, is to remember that your needs and boundaries are also important. You cannot pour from an empty cup and trying to do so can cause more harm than good for everyone involved.

Secondly, it is a good idea to clarify whether your birth relative even wants or needs whatever it is you feel compelled to give them. Our own expectations of ourselves can sometimes seem like external demands. If they truly need your support and assistance, remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day and “I can’t help right now” is not the same thing as “I will never be able to”. As your relationship progresses, you may find ways to show up for them that are comfortable and guilt-free for everyone involved.

Inadequacy

Most of us picture our family members lost to adoption in a myriad of scenarios as we ponder who they might be and what their lives may be like. However, sometimes their reality exceeds our highest expectations. They don’t need to be a celebrity or a certified genius to achieve that. Sometimes, a trait we truly value or an achievement that has always been important to us can shine through. They can be everything we have dreamt of becoming and we feel we are not. They may be heart-warmingly kind and vulnerable. Or brave and outspoken. They may have built the happiest family or may live each day following a personal or professional dream. They may just be comfortable being themselves. This can be daunting, especially if you have been struggling with your own self-esteem. It may start creeping upon you that you may not be enough for them to want a lasting relationship with.

What does inadequacy feel like?

Feeling inadequate often comes through as a mix of shame and unworthiness that makes you want to back away from the relationship. It can trigger an underlying impostor syndrome and trick you into feeling you have nothing to offer. You may experience admiration for your birth relative while at the same time fearing that they’re secretly judging you harshly, as you judge yourself. Or you might be willing to sacrifice the relationship for feeling they would be better off without you.

How to navigate feeling inadequate

To successfully overcome feelings of inadequacy, you have to remember who you are without comparing yourself to anyone else. Imagine you are seeing yourself through the eyes of your loved ones and make a list of your good qualities and all the positive things you bring to their lives. If you have trouble doing this yourself, ask a friend or family member to help. Re-read the list whenever you feel like you’re not enough. Also remind yourself that most people feel insecure and inadequate at some point in life, when that is usually not how they are perceived by those around them.

Wavering

You may have walked into your adoption reunion with an open heart and filled with hope. At some point during or after meeting your biological family member, you may experience a gnawing feeling that you can’t progress the reunion forward. Maybe there was something in their demeanour, their reactions, or who they turned out to be. Or maybe they were perfectly lovely, but merely being in the same room with them opened up old wounds and made you realise some doors are better left shut. Maybe you thought you could do this, but realised you’re not ready to and may never be. While it may take you by surprise, wavering is a normal reaction in these circumstances.

What does wavering feel like?

Wavering is essentially a form of doubt or a change of heart, which can manifest in several ways. It can be an inner voice screaming “I don’t want to do this anymore!” in the middle of dinner. Or you may be experiencing anger or hurt you never knew you harboured, which confuses you. You may be flooded by painful memories from the past that you aren’t sure you are able and willing to revisit at this time. Or you may simply realise this process is more emotionally intense than you have envisioned it would be and aren’t sure you’re ready to move forward with it anymore.

How to navigate wavering?

The best thing you can do about wavering - at least at first - is nothing at all. Acknowledge the way you are feeling and give the dust some time to settle, allowing your emerging emotions to become more defined. After a few days you can start unpacking and processing them - alone or with the help of a friend or therapist. This can help you understand if your change of heart is a temporary emotional overload that can be worked through, or a permanent resolution. Whatever the answer may be, remember that we cannot will ourselves into feeling differently than we do. Even if you are the one who searched for your birth family member and initiated the reunion, you still have every right to change your mind and decide you’re not ready for a relationship (and may never be).

General advice on managing confusing emotions

The examples above are only a few of the many challenging and often contradictory emotions that adoption reconnection may bring. Each person experiences this unique event in their own, deeply personal way. If you are struggling to make sense of unexpected feelings that take you by storm, here are some ideas to help you navigate them more easily. You may find one of them resonates very specifically for you, so you can select what feels best for you.

• Observe the emotion without judgement - there is no such thing as a wrong way to feel. Your emotions are mere messages about what is going on inside of you. They are inherently valid even if they’re uncomfortable to sit with or socially frowned upon.

• Delay acting on the unexpected emotion - while your feelings are always valid, they can put you at risk of making rash or misguided decisions. It is best to put off acting on a strong, surprising feeling until you’ve had the chance to understand where it comes from and what it means to tell you.

• Take a step back from the situation - there is no shame in cutting a meeting short, cancelling plans or taking a small break from conversation if you’re no longer feeling up for it emotionally. Reconnecting after you’ve had a chance to calm down and process your feelings can actually be beneficial for your budding relationship.

• Journal about the emotion until it becomes more clear - writing your feelings down exactly as they emerge, without censoring or second-guessing them, can help you put them into perspective. Seeing your experience on paper can give you a deeper understanding of the source of the emotion and the need it is alerting you to.

• Try naming the emotion - putting a name to feelings is a helpful step in understanding and relating to them. Once you are aware of what exactly it is you may be feeling, it can become easier to find resources to work through it.

• Discuss the emotion with a professional - while some feelings will go away on their own or when shared with loved ones, others require some skilled help. They may be deeply rooted into traumatic experiences or masquerading as a different sentiment. An experienced therapist or spiritual advisor can help guide you safely through a sometimes rockier process.

• Translate the emotion into action - Once the confusing emotion has been processed and its message has become clear, it is finally time to make a decision. You can choose to use it to inform change (e.g. set a boundary) or simply acknowledge the feeling and let it pass. Either way, you can remember that inaction is also a form of action where relationships are involved.

Get emotional support from the Adopted.com Community

Navigating post-reunion relationships can bring about a thunderstorm of emotions. The good news is that you don’t have to weather through it alone. Join the Adopted.com Community, where you can find advice and support 24-7 from people who have undergone similar experiences to yours.

Here, at Adopted.com, we not only offer state-of-the-art technology that helps reconnect you with your biological family. We also foster an adoption village where you can feel safe and heard as you share your story, work through your difficult feelings and find companionship on your journey through the emotional challenges of adoption reunion.