It is profoundly human to have doubts and fears that hold you back from embarking on the search for your birth family. What if they reject you? What if you can’t find them? What if you end up brokenhearted?... Just as it is profoundly human to wonder about the people who brought you into this world. To want to know who they are, what their lives have been like, or why they were not the ones to raise you.To hang on to even a sliver of a chance that all will go well and you will be able to reforge the silver cord that once was broken. And to secretly wish, deep down, that this unfinished story may one day get its happy ending.

These two overwhelming, opposite forces can cause significant turmoil in the heart of an adoptee, paralysing them in a constant state of “what if…”. And as years go by and life unfolds, it can become harder and harder to take this frightening, difficult first step. Before you know it, hope can start to wither and you may find that your fears have silently turned into regrets. And few things in life can be more haunting than those what-ifs that never had a chance to seek their answers.

If part of you yearns to start searching for your birth family but your fear has an endless supply of reasons why it wouldn’t be wise to do so, this list is for you. It holds the most common doubts that prevent adoptees from starting their quest for adoption reunion. But also the key to a different way to look at these holdbacks, which might paint them in a new, more positive light.

1. What if I won’t be able to find them?

  • The opportunity: If despite your doubts, your heart keeps whispering to you that it needs this search, it is for a good reason. Sometimes, all you need to do is show yourself that you have tried - that you have done everything in your power to come as close as possible to the dream you barely allow yourself to visualise. Living with the regret of never having tried can weigh you down more and more as time passes. While having done your best can be liberating and - in many fortunate cases - it can be enough, despite all odds.

  • Some practical advice: When you have very little information to go on, an online adoption reunion registry such as Adopted.com can be the simplest, fastest and most resource-efficient way to search for your biological family. All you need to do is to create a profile and enter all the data you have about yourself and the person you are looking for and if they are among our over 1 million users, our proprietary algorithm will immediately match you with them. Our many ways to search allow you to use every little piece of information you have to your advantage. If you have no more than a name, the namesearch feature is there to help you search our entire database for people who might match the ones you seek. If you don’t even have that much to go on, you can use your very DNA to help your adoption reunion search. And the best part is that even if you don’t get a match right away, as long as your profile is still active, there is always a chance that your birth relative will one day join and you will receive the long-awaited news as soon as this happens.

Overwhelmed by the search for your birth family? Adopted.com makes it easier to reconnect with loved ones. Register for free today to find your birth family.

2. What if they aren’t going to like me?

  • The fear: Sadly, a biological connection is no guarantee of compatibility, shared values, lifestyles or goals between people. Even parents who have raised their biological children since birth can sometimes deeply disapprove of their choices and the people they have grown to become. When it comes to virtual strangers, who have nothing in common but their DNA, the unknowns can feel overwhelming. What if it isn’t worth exposing yourself to the risk of a less than ideal experience by the people who brought you into this world?

  • The opportunity: Here's a quick fact about adoption - nearly all birth mothers want to be found. And, while there is nothing you can do to change how others feel about you, it is an excellent time to reassert your commitment to yourself. As a child, your survival depended on being liked and approved of by the meaningful adults in your life. But now, as a grown person, you have come a long way and have become enough to fulfil your own needs for surviving and thriving. Thus, the most important person who needs to be in your corner and appreciate you is yourself. It is normal to hope that your birth family will like you. But in the end, there is immense value in accepting that their response to you would have nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with who they are. And if that stands in the way of reconnecting, you may find that there is great power and serenity in choosing your relationship with yourself over all the rest.

  • Some practical advice: A common adoption myth is biological parents hate their child or want nothing to do with them. When you have a quiet moment to yourself, sit at your desk with a pen and a piece of paper. Write the words “I am” and follow them with whatever comes to mind. Then do that again on the next row. And keep writing things that you are until you run out of things to say. Then read them again, one by one. Contemplate them and think about everything you had to go through to become each of those things. Consider how they make you feel and if there’s anything you would like to be able to add or delete from your list, turning them into objectives for future growth. Then finally, embrace this complex, kaleidoscopic vision of you, which is unique to the world and requires no outside validation.

3. What if I’m not going to like them?

  • The fear: Oftentimes, adoptees tend to have an idealised image of their birth parents. It can be alluring to imagine those you share biological roots with as being kind, friendly and loving. To believe that they must have been forced by inexorable circumstances to let you go and that they are waiting for you with open arms somewhere, ready to offer the emotional connection you had missed out on. But of course, deep down inside, there can be a real fear that reality may uproot this fantasy version of your birth family. Maybe they’re not like you at all. Maybe they are crude and dishonest, maybe they are cold and uncaring or irresponsible, maybe they even stand for everything that you do not. What will that do to your reunion dream? And what will it say about you?...

  • The opportunity: There is always the chance that upon getting to know your birth parents, you may experience disillusionment. However, the fact that you have taken this step and decided this relationship is not for you would speak volumes about the kind of person you are. It would underscore the fact that you are more than just your biology and that you can take pride in the person you have grown to become, which is so different from your birth family. The silver lining of having to let go of your fantasy is that instead of having to grow up with people who don't align with your values, you had the chance to develop into the person you are today. And if it turns out that you actually like (or at least tolerate) your birth mother or father, it could be the cornerstone of a budding new connection that could, this time, last forever.

  • Some practical advice: Before you start your search, make a list of traits that you consider deal breakers in anyone with whom you might consider a close relationship. Then, in a different column, write a set of traits that wouldn’t thrill you, but you might be persuaded to tolerate under the right circumstances. Finish with characteristics that you enjoy about people and that draw you closer to them. Then try to imagine your birth family as possessing only the traits from one of these columns. Ask yourself if the people you are picturing seem authentic or more like caricatures. Finally, mix the columns together and randomly select some of the attributes. You may find that the people in your mind are getting more realistic. That is what you are most likely to find in your birth family - people with their share of strengths and weaknesses, of dreams and fears, who may simply happen to be more or less compatible with you.

4. What if they won’t even want to see me?

  • The fear: Rejection is possibly one of the greatest fears faced by many adoptees. The thought that you might be investing great effort in finding your birth family only to be told that they are not interested in meeting you can be enough to hold you back from ever starting the search. However, it is undeniably one of the possible outcomes of any adoption reunion search. Is it worth it to pour your heart and soul into this quest, knowing you may not be wanted in return?...

  • The opportunity: Facing your fears is the only way to show your true courage. While giving in to them can make you miss out on so many amazing opportunities in life. There are many reasons why your birth family may not contact you, but one thing you can be sure of: it has absolutely nothing to do with who you are because they don’t know the first thing about you. However, the simple fact that you watch yourself being brave enough to try can give you the confidence boost you need to take risks in other areas of your life. And while a rejection would only make you miss out on a relationship you never had in the first place, never trying could make you miss out on a positive reconnection experience, which could bring love, joy and new-found family to your life.

  • Some practical advice: Using an online adoption reunion registry significantly decreases the likelihood of your biological family rejecting contact with you. That is because people specifically register to these platforms and create profiles so they can search for their lost birth relatives. So if they are there for you to find, they are likely looking for you as well.

5. What if they have already passed?

  • The fear: As long as you have no news about your birth relatives, it is easy to imagine them happy and healthy somewhere in the world, wishing they would get a chance to meet you. But if you were to learn that your biological family already passed away, that would take away all the possibilities you had built up in your mind. It could be such a definitive ending to a story that did not even get a chance to begin…

  • The opportunity: While having to let go of the dream of ever having a chance to reconnect with a loved one can be painful, it can also bring you closure. Knowing for sure that your birth family has passed can give you a chance to make your peace, offer your final regards, take your time to mourn what could have been and finally move on. It can free you from the burden of questions and uncertainties and allow you to channel your energy into other meaningful parts of your life.

  • Some practical advice: Before starting your search, try to imagine that the biological relative you seek has indeed already passed. Observe your feelings and put them in a letter. Don’t edit or embellish, just write all your thoughts and feelings as they come to mind - what you wish you could have said to them, what you were hoping would have happened had you had a chance to be reunited with your birth family, what you fear you have all missed out on. End it by saying your goodbyes. If this exercise is too overwhelming for you, enlist the support of a therapist, a spiritual advisor or a loved one throughout this process. After you have finished your letter, keep it in a safe place. This way, you know that if this tragic scenario happens, you are prepared to face it and get closure.

6. What if my adoptive family will feel hurt?

  • The fear: It can feel so natural for you to be curious about where you came from and to want to meet the people who gave you life. And at the same time, it can sometimes feel so profoundly selfish. What if your loving and nurturing adoptive family will experience your desire to reconnect with your birth parents like a betrayal or an attempt to replace them? What if they will think you ungrateful and be brokenhearted that you had even been considering an adoption reunion?

  • The opportunity: While your apprehension is normal and shows a thoughtful, considerate nature, it is also an amazing chance to let your family show you how much they love you and the deep faith they have in your bonds. Likely most adopted parents expects that there may come a day when their child will feel the need to search for their biological kin. And many will be long prepared for this. Even though it may not always be easy, a loving family can be trusting of your affection and intentions and will be grateful for the opportunity to support you and be included in this part of your life.

  • Some practical advice: If possible, have an open, heartfelt conversation with your adopted family before starting your search. Lead by letting them know how much they mean to you and that they are irreplaceable in your life. Explain the reasons why you want to meet your birth parents and emphasize the fact that your relationship with them will always be as strong, regardless of the outcome of your search. If you feel this to be true, let them know that their support would mean the world to you on your adoption reunion journey. Give them a chance to voice their concerns and talk them through together, as a family.

7. What if I will be disappointed again?

  • The fear: What if all goes well, you find your birth family and they are excited to hear from you. Then you meet them and you are immediately fond of each other and decide to nurture a bond. And just when you have finally warmed up to them and started to trust them again, they turn their back on you or disappear out of your life once more? What if you won’t be able to cope with feeling abandoned for the second time? ...

  • The opportunity: It is difficult to find a silver lining to the possibility of experiencing such a difficult scenario. However, in this case, it is also important to look for that silver lining. Because what is at stake is an opportunity to love. There are no guarantees in life and after you’ve been through a lot, it can seem like the only reasonable thing to do is to lock your heart away and keep it safe from all the blows that may be headed its way. But doing so can keep all of the amazing things that give life meaning away from you as well. Taking a chance at a real connection, making yourself vulnerable to loving and being loved back is risky business. But it comes with the greatest prize of all. Fear wants to rob you of that under the guise of protection. But it can’t protect you from wondering what could have been had you taken a chance on this reunion and had the outcome been a truly wholesome one.

  • Some practical advice: Once you have found your birth relatives, take things slowly and give your head the time to catch up to your heart. While emotions may run high at such times, try to spend a long enough period getting to know your biological family members before committing to a relationship with them or agreeing to take part in family events. Ask them all the questions you have been meaning to and take your time in determining how you feel about their answers. Give them a chance to get to know you in turn and see how they react to what you have to share. Finally, once you have done this, have an earnest conversation with them regarding the expectations you each have from your reunion and whether you are interested in being a part of each other’s lives. If needed, set some clear, healthy boundaries from the beginning, to help you develop an open, harmonious relationship.

In hopes that this reframing has offered you the support and confidence you needed to make room for magic in your life, we at Adopted.com wish you a gentle journey, filled with insight and growth, wherever this path may lead you. And we welcome you to find advice and support in our Adopted.com Community, and many others who share your experience.

If you aren't experiencing more ease from your doubts, we are still grateful for the fact that you took the time to read this. Because looking for solutions is, in itself, a first step towards overcoming your fears. It is alright to take your time, process your emotions and maybe revisit this at a later date. In the meantime, we wish you clarity and calm, so you can make the decision that closest reflects what your soul needs, whether it is to embark on the journey to find your birth family or to find closure and solace in leaving them in your past.