Adoption is a complex process that has a profound impact on the lives of biological parents, adoptive parents, adoptees, and extended families.
However, it’s often over-simplified in the media, contributing to stereotypes and preconceptions. This gives us the wrong idea of what adoption is like. That’s why it can be easy to unintentionally hurt the feelings of an adoptee, or a biological or adoptive parent while attempting to connect with them on this sensitive subject.
Adoption often looks and feels quite different from the inside than it appears to the outside world. In order to truly empathize with those involved, we must learn to tell adoption facts from fiction.
A good place to start is by dispelling some of the most common myths surrounding adoption.
Common Myths About Birth Parents
1. Birth Parents Were Selfish or Did not Love Their Children
Myth:
Birth parents give up their child for adoption because they don't want them or care about them.
Fact:
The decision to place a child for adoption is seldom made without careful consideration. Many birth parents, often very young or facing challenging life circumstances, choose adoption because they genuinely believe it will provide their child with better opportunities and stability than they can offer.
This choice, whether it achieves its intended outcome or not, is frequently motivated by a profound sense of love and the desire to act in the best interest of their child.
2. Birth Parents Want Nothing to Do with Their Adopted Children
Myth:
Birth parents want nothing to do with their adopted children and forget about them once they are adopted.
Fact:
While this may be true in some cases, many birth parents never stop thinking about the child they placed for adoption, holding on to the hope of being reunited someday.
In fact, a significant number actively search for their birth children using various methods, including DNA testing, hiring private investigators, or joining online adoption reunion registries.
Our Adoption Reunions page features many such stories, in which people were able to locate and reunite with their loved ones after joining our registry.
3. Birth Parents Are Always Happy to Be Reunited with Their Biological Children
Myth:
Birth parents are always happy to be reunited with their biological children and eagerly embrace the idea of reconnecting.
Fact:
Not all birth parents are open to the idea of reunion. While some long for a reunion, others have mixed emotions or uncertainties about the implications of such a meeting.
They may feel unprepared, emotionally or physically, to face such an intense experience. Some fear that reconnecting might disrupt their current family life or bring back deeply painful memories, such as past trauma or rejection.
4. Birth Parents Are Always a Complete Mystery in an Adoptee’s Life
Myth:
Birth parents are always a complete mystery in an adoptee's life, and adoptees never know anything about them.
Fact:
With the rise of open adoptions, more adoptees are aware of their biological parents' identities as they grow up.
In many cases, birth parents stay in touch with the adoptive family or even directly with the child, receiving updates, photographs, and maintaining a connection. Some open adoptions also allow for in-person visits, enabling biological parents and adoptees to build a relationship over time, based on agreements made with the adoptive family.
Searching for your birth father and unsure where to start? Adopted.com is here to help simplify the process. Create a free profile today to find your birth father.
Common Myths About Adoptive Parents
1. Adoptive Parents Are Unable to Have Children of Their Own
Myth:
Adoptive parents are unable to have children of their own and adopt because they have no other choice.
Fact:
While many infertile couples do choose to adopt, they’re not the only ones. Many fertile couples also choose adoption, and some families have both adopted and biological children.
This decision can stem from a desire to provide a loving home to a child in need, to adopt a foster child they have bonded with, or simply a personal choice to forgo pregnancy and childbirth for health or other reasons.
2. Adoptive Parents Are Always Wealthy Married Couples
Myth:
Adoptive parents are always wealthy married couples, and only those with substantial financial resources can adopt.
Fact:
Although adoption can be costly and time-consuming, it isn’t limited to wealthy couples.
In fact, many adoptive parents depend on post-adoption benefits and services to support their child’s needs. While most adoptive parents are married or in domestic partnerships (68%), about 25% are single mothers, and 3% are single fathers, showing that adoption is accessible to a diverse range of family types.
3. Adoptive Parents Are Usually Strangers with no Previous Relationship to the Child
Myth:
Adoptive parents are usually strangers with no prior relationship to the child they adopt.
Fact:
While the media often depicts adoption as involving strangers adopting a child they’ve just met, the reality is quite different. In 2021, 89% of children adopted in the U.S. joined the family of someone they already knew, such as their foster parent (55%) or a relative (34%). This shows that many adoptions occur within existing, familiar relationships.
4. Adoptive Parents Cannot Love Their Adopted Children the Same Way as Their Biological Ones
Myth:
Adoptive parents cannot love their adopted children as much as they would their biological children.
Fact:
While pregnancy and childbirth can help some parents bond with their baby, these experiences aren’t required for deep parental love. Adoptive parents can love their adopted children just as intensely as biological parents do.
The true essence of parenthood lies in nurturing, supporting, and celebrating a child's growth, sharing in their joys, and comforting them in their struggles—regardless of any genetic connection.
Common Myths About Adoptees
1. Adoptees Always Joined Their Adoptive Family as Babies
Myth:
Adoptees always joined their adoptive family as babies.
Fact:
While many prospective adoptive parents prefer to adopt infants to experience their child's early milestones, this isn’t always the case. In the U.S., children eligible for adoption spend an average of four years in foster care before being adopted, often by their foster parents.
Additionally, over a quarter of adopted children are older than nine at the time of their adoption, showing that adoption happens at all ages.
2. Adoptees Are Always Severely Traumatized by the Experience
Myth:
Adoptees are always severely traumatized by the experience of being adopted.
Fact:
Adoption is a complex process with diverse social, emotional, and developmental implications. Every adoptee's experience is unique and influenced by numerous factors.
While some adoptees may struggle with feelings of abandonment or rejection, resulting in psychological trauma, others have positive feelings about their adoption and experience healthy mental adjustment.
Both reactions are valid, and each adoption journey should be understood within its own unique context.
3. Adoptees Always Harbor Resentment Towards Their Biological Parents
Myth:
Adoptees always harbor resentment towards their biological parents for placing them for adoption.
Fact:
While some adoptees may feel anger or resentment towards their biological parents, this isn’t always the case.
Many adoptees understand the circumstances of their adoption and see their birth parents' decision as justified or even loving. Some have experienced negative emotions that lessened over time, while others have always felt a desire to reconnect and search for their birth parents.
Each of these reactions is valid, shaped by the unique circumstances of each adoption.
4. Adoptees Should Feel Grateful to Have Been Adopted
Myth:
Adoptees should feel grateful to have been adopted and should appreciate their adoptive families without question.
Fact:
This expectation often comes from those unfamiliar with the complex realities of adoption, and it can make adoptees feel uncomfortable or misunderstood.
While some adoptees may feel grateful for the opportunities their adoptive family provided, adoption itself can also bring powerful and often distressing emotions.
Being separated from birth parents, even when placed in a loving family, can be far from ideal for many adoptees. Moreover, not all adoptees have positive experiences—some face neglect or abuse in their adoptive homes, just as can happen in biological families.
Expecting gratitude in such situations is unfair and dismisses the adoptee's authentic emotions.
Common Myths About the Adoption Process
1. Adoptions Are a Matter of Charity
Myth:
Adoptions are purely a matter of charity, with adoptive parents making a selfless sacrifice for a child in need.
Fact:
Adoption is often seen as a charitable act, with adoptive parents portrayed as exceptionally kind and generous. However, this view ignores the reciprocal nature of adoption. Adoptees don’t just receive love and care; they also bring joy and fulfillment to their adoptive families.
Charity implies a one-sided giving without expectation of return, but adoption is a mutually rewarding relationship. Just as having a biological child enriches a family’s life, so does adopting a child.
Adoption can be life-changing for both the child and the parents, creating a deep and meaningful connection that goes beyond charity.
2. Adoptions Are a Strictly Private Matter
Myth:
Adoptions are strictly a private matter, involving only the adoptee, birth family, and adoptive family.
Fact:
Though the primary participants in adoption are adoptees, birth families, and adoptive families, adoption has broader societal impacts. The environment in which a child grows up, the opportunities they have, and the love they receive can have long-term effects that influence future generations.
Moreover, accessible and efficient adoption policies are vital to ensuring that adoption is a viable option for families, ultimately reducing the number of children who age out of foster care without adequate support.
Effective adoption legislation can significantly affect both the number of children adopted and the overall well-being of society.
3. All adoptions Are Open
Myth:
All adoptions are open, allowing adoptees and birth families to maintain a connection.
Fact:
While open adoptions are now common in many developed countries, closed adoptions were the norm in the past and still persist in some places. In a closed adoption, identifying information is kept sealed, which can complicate reunion efforts for adoptees later in life. Although open adoptions generally provide more benefits for both children and parents, not all adoptees have the opportunity to access information about their birth families.
4. It’s Always Difficult to Find Your Birth Family
Myth:
It's always difficult to find your birth family, and the search is often difficult and frustrating.
Fact:
While it is easier to find your birth family in the case of an open adoption than a closed one, the search can still feel overwhelming, especially if you have limited information.
Fortunately, modern technology offers a quick and helpful solution: The Global Adoption Reunion Registry. Many adoptees have found their birth families on Adopted.com, the largest adoption reunion database in the world.
You can connect with birth family members who are also searching for you simply by creating a profile with any information you know about the adoption.
The registry uses a matching system, including the option of uploading your DNA testing data to significantly increase your chances of finding your birth family.
Know the Facts: Start Your Adoption Reunion Journey Today
At Adopted.com, we understand how important it is to connect with your roots, and we're here to support you every step of the way. Together, let's make finding your family a reality. Sign up now and take the first step toward your reunion.
