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Samneuber

Hi my beautiful boy. If you’re seeing this - it means you’re old enough to hear my truth‚ and I want you to know that I have waited so many years for this moment. I’ve imagined talking to you like this in my head over and over again‚ wondering what you would look like‚ what your voice would sound like‚ and if you would still feel that connection I’ve never stopped feeling. The most important thing I need you to know first is this: I love you with every bone in my body. That love has never faded‚ not even for a second. Being your mother‚ even for the short time I was allowed to be‚ was the greatest honor of my life. Those moments with you are some of the most precious memories I carry‚ and I hold onto them tightly every single day. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about you. I think about your smile‚ your laugh‚ and all the little things that made you you. I wonder what you’re passionate about now‚ what makes you feel proud‚ and what makes you feel safe. Missing your birthdays‚ holidays‚ milestones‚ and everyday moments has been one of the deepest pains I’ve ever known. When I placed you for adoption‚ it was never because I didn’t want you. I need you to hear that clearly. I wanted you more than anything. I made that decision because I loved you deeply and believed I was doing what was best for you at the time. Your biological father was very abusive toward me‚ and there was a moment where he tried to take my life. The day he went to jail for that was a turning point in everything. After that‚ your adoptive mom’s feelings toward me changed‚ and I was told that the only way I would be allowed to see you was if I dropped the charges against him. I struggled deeply to understand why I was being asked to choose between my own safety and being your mother. That was the moment your father and I separated‚ and from then on‚ everything in my life‚ and our lives changed. I was promised an open adoption. I was promised that I would still be part of your life‚ that you would know who I was‚ and that I wouldn’t disappear. I trusted those promises with my whole heart. At that point‚ those promises were broken. I was slowly and then completely cut out of your life. I didn’t get a choice. I didn’t get a goodbye. I didn’t get a chance to explain. I want you to know this clearly: I never walked away from you. I never stopped loving you. I never gave up on you. That separation was not my choice‚ and the grief of that loss has stayed with me every single day. There were parts of your story that your adoptive mother changed‚ and I always knew that one day you would find out the truth. People who loved you deeply were replaced in ways that never should have happened. A woman named Rachel was chosen to be called your grandmother‚ even though she wasn’t connected to you by blood or history‚ while my parents‚ your real grandparents‚ were slowly pushed out of your life. As soon as you’re adoptive‚ mother started hating ‚ she alsomade these decisions towards my family. Your real family. The hardest loss of all was Pop-Pop‚ my dad. He loved you so much‚ and you loved him just as deeply. I still remember the way you looked at him‚ the comfort you felt around him. Watching that bond be taken from both of you was devastating‚ because it was real‚ and it mattered. I also want you to know who I am today. I am a recovered addict‚ and have a very beautiful life . Recovery saved my life. It gave me clarity‚ strength‚ and a version of myself that I am proud of. It taught me how to sit with my feelings instead of running from them‚ and how to love honestly‚ even when it hurts. You might be told that I wasn’t stable or sober‚ but I’m here to tell you my truth with honesty and love. Recovery also brought beautiful people into my life. People who showed me compassion‚ understanding‚ and hope when I felt broken. They helped me become someone who could show up with love‚ even while carrying so much loss. There are so many memories of you that live in my heart. I remember how much you loved chicken‚ and how I loved watching you eat it‚ your little smile‚ the joy on your face‚ how proud you looked. I remember how much you loved being outside‚ exploring‚ playing on your playset‚ and just being free. You were always curious‚ always moving‚ always wanting to see what was next. I remember playing policeman and fireman with you‚ saving people together with your action figures. You took those games so seriously‚ like you really were protecting the world. You really loved pancakes and sausage on a stick‚ and how you would hand me the stick when you were done eating‚ like it was the most natural thing in the world to share with me. I collected those sticks. You always loved doing art at school‚ and that doesn’t surprise me at all. You always had such a creative spirit. I wish I could see what you create now‚ what colors you choose‚ and how your imagination shows up on the page. I also want you to know me beyond my pain. I love cats so much‚ and I still think about how you met my cat‚ Raisin‚ when you came to my house. I love creating‚ vlogging‚ social media‚ telling stories‚ and expressing myself from the heart. I love peanut butter in every form‚ especially Reese’s peanut butter crackers. I love nature‚ the beach‚ the woods‚ long walks outside and how accomplished and peaceful I feel afterward. I miss you in a way that never really goes away. It’s a quiet ache that lives with me‚ but it’s also a reminder of how deeply I loved you‚ and still do. I will never stop fighting for you‚ never stop loving you‚ and never stop hoping that one day we will get our time back. When that day comes‚ please know this: you are always welcome here. My door will always be open to you. I have a room just for you‚ ready and waiting‚ because I always believed that one day you would find your way back to me‚ when you were ready. No matter what you were told‚ no matter how much time has passed‚ I hope you carry this with you: You were loved from the very beginning. You are still loved beyond measure. And you always will be. I love you more than words could ever hold. Always and forever. — Mom